“If I’m not naked, it doesn’t work,” the stranger said as he stripped off his last piece of clothing as the gunman shouted in the distance.
“What doesn’t work?!” I snapped.
“My power!” The stranger was now standing bare ass right in front of me. I stood with my back to the locked safe, the key around my neck.
“You’re insane!”
“I am.” He peeked around the corner, searching for the gunman. “But this is how it works.”
“Oh God, please don’t let the last thing I see be this,” I said.
“Hey,” he turned back to me. “Not cool.”
A voice echoed from the stairway at the end of the hall—“She went this way!”
“Here they come,” the stranger whispered. He muttered some words under his breath and then a wave of red light rolled over his body. Rising from the floor, it enveloped him like a flower blooming in reverse.
He took a deep breath. “Give me the key.”
I thought about arguing, but bank managers don’t get paid enough to play hero. I handed it over and he made a fist around it just as the first gunman rounded the corner.
The rest, I have trouble recalling. A combination of things makes it hard to remember. It happened fast. It was just bizarre to watch a naked man fight. Between the fists and slams to the wall, I had this terrible empathy for him. He was so exposed. The gunman kneed him in the balls and he doubled over.
When I looked up, there were four masked men over me.
“Why is this freak naked?” one shouted.
“Don’t know, don’t care,” another said, then kicked him.
“The key,” the tallest of them snarled, the muzzle of his gun inches from my head.
“I won’t ask again.”
The naked man sat up and opened his palms.
“I have it.” He coughed.
A gun went off and the naked man’s head snapped back and he folded over. I didn’t scream or run. I was frozen.
They opened the safe and shoved cash into bags.
Someone pressed a gun to my head and said I’d be shot if I made a sound or moved. I sat trying not to breathe.
Then there was movement. A groggy awakening as the naked man sat up. No blood, no bruises. He rolled his head in a circle and his neck cracked. Embedded in his forehead was the bullet. He peeled it off. It was flat as a coin.
My heart clenched, and I swallowed hard. I’d thought the day couldn’t get stranger, but my pulse begged to differ.
Without a word, he stepped past me and pushed the safe closed. They were so busy loading the cash they didn’t see the door close. I imagine they started pounding on the door from the inside, but we couldn’t hear them.
The naked man crouched next to me and put a finger to my name tag. “Penny. That’s funny.”
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“Your name is Penny, and you work at a bank. It’s a pun. Not laugh out loud punny, but still amusing.”
“What happened, you—”
“—I’m fine,” he interrupted. “Little headache, but I’m okay.”
I was still frozen. He lifted me to my feet and gave me a steadying grip on both shoulders.
“You’re okay too.”
I nodded.
He smiled, stepped aside, and began putting on his pants. As his first leg slid into the pant leg a red glow erupted from every inch of his body and disintegrated into a shimmering dust that faded away before it touched the ground. He scooped up the rest of his clothes and started down the hall.
“What’s your name?” I asked.
He didn’t even bother to look back as he called out: “The name is Epidermis Maximus!”
My lips parted to speak, but no words came.
Of course it is.